My Albatross (Part 1)

I have social anxiety disorder. It’s not who I am or what I think, but it drastically limits how I’m able to function with people. It’s sometimes called social phobia. Like all phobias, it’s an irrational fear of something harmless.

Do you know anyone who has extreme anxiety or panic attacks over things like heights, flying, spiders, snakes, enclosed spaces? It happens to me in crowded places, when strangers approach, dealing with authority figures, job interviews, or having to speak at a function or meeting. The thought of going to a party sends my anxiety soaring.

When I tell people about this, they usually respond, “What? You? No way!” I've gotten pretty good at hiding it most of the time. Outside, I’m calm and have a quiet, strong demeanor. Inside, I’m wound tight and am consciously controlling my breathing and relaxing my muscles. It’s incredibly distracting. It makes it hard to concentrate on what’s going on around me and what people are saying. And if I miss what’s going on, I can’t participate effectively, then my anxiety rises and I have to consciously control … you get the picture.

What’s the long term solution? Well, my fight-or-flight response somehow became associated with harmless social interactions. It doesn't matter how at this point, though it’s probably largely hereditary. The solution is to change the association. I have to learn to associate social activity with pleasure instead of fear. I want to enjoy being social.

The short term solution is medication. I take Paxil and lorazepam every day. I take additional lorazepam if I know I’m going to need help dealing with a situation. They have helped, but not without cost. They have raised the bar so that I’m reasonably functional in public. But lorazepam is a tranquilizer. And though it’s a godsend to have some relief from anxiety and to ward off a flat out panic attack, being tranquil takes the edge off things like ambition, motivation, mental acuity, and joy. For the most part it’s a good trade off. The trouble is, the short term has lasted ten years so far. It turns out that changing psychological associations is extremely difficult.